Telling the Psychiatrist – “I Have An Ocean Rolling In Me”

I used to have a love-hate relationship with the huge “ocean” of thoughts, feelings, and images inside of me.

I loved the fact that I was so creative, artistic and imaginative!

In an ocean you can dive, splash and play. You can ride high on majestic waves and look out into endless sparkling blue.

But… in an ocean you can also drown. 

You can drift out too far and find yourself lost. There are storms. You can get really exhausted trying to swim back to land.

I used to envy people who didn’t know the wrath of an inner ocean. They had little fountains inside of them, with perfect landscaping. They had pleasant ponds with happy fish. They were normal and I was a freak. I hid the wild ocean and pretended that I had a pleasant pond as well.

I came to the point where I had to ask for a life boat. I was so exhausted… and I was sinking fast. I was really afraid to get treatment for “the ocean” (the mental illness) because I didn’t want to lose the beautiful gifts that come with having such an intense inner world. I didn’t want to be a numb zombie who couldn’t experience the joys and sorrows of life. I didn’t want to lose the ability to write music.. paint pictures… to feel. I didn’t want to go from an ocean to a fish bowl.

I was so afraid to try medication, but I didn’t have a choice anymore. It was medication or living on the bottom of the ocean in darkness… and I couldn’t spend another day there.

I’m so happy to report that I didn’t lose the ocean at all.. and now have a love-love relationship with it!  I take medication daily and I still have that shimmering, endless sea within me. What has changed is I also have a navigation system. I have a lifejacket. I’m safe and happy.

Along with medication I’ve found many tools that have helped me. (Just ask and I’ll share what’s also worked for me) I’ve worked really, really hard and I’ve been very stable, happy and successful for 6.5 years without any bottom of the ocean visits.

As many of you know, I am writing a musical about mental illness called “We Have Apples.” In the show the lead character, Jane, sings a song called “The Ocean” to her psychiatrist about this very issue. Now that I’ve explained how I came to write the song, I’d love to share a video of an actor singing the song at a presentation.  I will also share the soundcloud MP3 of the song (this one is me singing) Although Jane doesn’t have my personal story in the show, this song was inspired by my own experiences explained above. I will also include the lyrics to the song that I know many of you will relate to.

The Ocean lyrics

Some have a fountain

inside of their head

or maybe a pond

that lies there instead

Ponds are beautiful

and easy to keep

but I want to dive, to leap

psychiatry

I have an ocean rolling in me

Sometimes I’m swimming, splashing, I’m free

I have an ocean with no end in sight

but when there’s a storm, I get lost

It’s a fight

And I don’t want to drown

but I don’t want to lose

the ocean

Some feel the water,

admire the scene

The landscape is nice

and everything’s clean

They’re so happy there

This safe place to be

but I want to ride, the sea

I have an ocean rolling in me

Sometimes I’m swimming, splashing, I’m free

I have an ocean with no end in sight

But when there’s a storm

I get lost, it’s a fight

And I don’t want to drown

But I don’t want to lose

the ocean

I’ve absolutely love connecting with you guys, reading your blogs, relating to you and knowing we’re not alone. I know we can work together to shatter this awful stigma we deal with.

For more info on the musical I’m writing about mental illness, the show’s website is: http://www.wehaveapples.com

Huge blessings, love and hugs!

Rachie