Telling the Psychiatrist – “I Have An Ocean Rolling In Me”

I used to have a love-hate relationship with the huge “ocean” of thoughts, feelings, and images inside of me.

I loved the fact that I was so creative, artistic and imaginative!

In an ocean you can dive, splash and play. You can ride high on majestic waves and look out into endless sparkling blue.

But… in an ocean you can also drown. 

You can drift out too far and find yourself lost. There are storms. You can get really exhausted trying to swim back to land.

I used to envy people who didn’t know the wrath of an inner ocean. They had little fountains inside of them, with perfect landscaping. They had pleasant ponds with happy fish. They were normal and I was a freak. I hid the wild ocean and pretended that I had a pleasant pond as well.

I came to the point where I had to ask for a life boat. I was so exhausted… and I was sinking fast. I was really afraid to get treatment for “the ocean” (the mental illness) because I didn’t want to lose the beautiful gifts that come with having such an intense inner world. I didn’t want to be a numb zombie who couldn’t experience the joys and sorrows of life. I didn’t want to lose the ability to write music.. paint pictures… to feel. I didn’t want to go from an ocean to a fish bowl.

I was so afraid to try medication, but I didn’t have a choice anymore. It was medication or living on the bottom of the ocean in darkness… and I couldn’t spend another day there.

I’m so happy to report that I didn’t lose the ocean at all.. and now have a love-love relationship with it!  I take medication daily and I still have that shimmering, endless sea within me. What has changed is I also have a navigation system. I have a lifejacket. I’m safe and happy.

Along with medication I’ve found many tools that have helped me. (Just ask and I’ll share what’s also worked for me) I’ve worked really, really hard and I’ve been very stable, happy and successful for 6.5 years without any bottom of the ocean visits.

As many of you know, I am writing a musical about mental illness called “We Have Apples.” In the show the lead character, Jane, sings a song called “The Ocean” to her psychiatrist about this very issue. Now that I’ve explained how I came to write the song, I’d love to share a video of an actor singing the song at a presentation.  I will also share the soundcloud MP3 of the song (this one is me singing) Although Jane doesn’t have my personal story in the show, this song was inspired by my own experiences explained above. I will also include the lyrics to the song that I know many of you will relate to.

The Ocean lyrics

Some have a fountain

inside of their head

or maybe a pond

that lies there instead

Ponds are beautiful

and easy to keep

but I want to dive, to leap

psychiatry

I have an ocean rolling in me

Sometimes I’m swimming, splashing, I’m free

I have an ocean with no end in sight

but when there’s a storm, I get lost

It’s a fight

And I don’t want to drown

but I don’t want to lose

the ocean

Some feel the water,

admire the scene

The landscape is nice

and everything’s clean

They’re so happy there

This safe place to be

but I want to ride, the sea

I have an ocean rolling in me

Sometimes I’m swimming, splashing, I’m free

I have an ocean with no end in sight

But when there’s a storm

I get lost, it’s a fight

And I don’t want to drown

But I don’t want to lose

the ocean

I’ve absolutely love connecting with you guys, reading your blogs, relating to you and knowing we’re not alone. I know we can work together to shatter this awful stigma we deal with.

For more info on the musical I’m writing about mental illness, the show’s website is: http://www.wehaveapples.com

Huge blessings, love and hugs!

Rachie

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84 thoughts on “Telling the Psychiatrist – “I Have An Ocean Rolling In Me”

  1. Rachel this is beautiful! Your voice is the second one, right? Both are lovely. You are really creative! I’m so glad you found your way out of the turbulent ocean, with medication. I did that as well, and for me, the medication is what helps me control my panic. It’s been a miracle for me. Thanks for sharing! And best of luck with the musical! 😊🎤🎼

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You are an amazing talent! I’m very glad you found my blog so I could experience yours. I had the same fear…that I’d lose creativity or the wider spectrum of perspective the highs and lows have gifted me with. I will rethink medication because of your words. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aw! I’m so glad we’ve found each others blogs, too! Taking medication is right for me- I know it’s not right for everyone- what helped me most was finding a brilliant psychiatrist I really trusted who took so much time helping me understand what was going on and gaining my trust. I also was at the point where it was the only choice basically- it kind of depends on if you are able to function in daily life. I know how hard of a decision it is- and finding the right medication can be a nightmare/ I just really recommend having a team of great people working with you to make sure you can live the full, happy life that you deserve.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You know, sometimes I think you find exactly what you need to hear, right when you need to hear it. It looks like we may start talking meds soon, and I’m terrified of losing me in all of this. For me, this post just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh wow! Sending blessings and hope your way- I know it can be a very hard decision- also, sometimes it takes trying a few different ones to figure out which medication is right for you. When I first started I just said “ok I’ll try this for awhile and if I feel wrong on it I can talk to my doctor about going off” it doesn’t have to be a scary permanent thing (although for me I’ll always have to take my medication and I’m ok with that – it’s the right one and I feel like “myself” on it.) For me it also helps not to google the medication because you never know what people are posting online and it’s not all true. I let my doctor be the doctor — because I used to google too much and freak myself out! I’m not aloud to google symptoms anymore! lol (anxiety) glad the post may have helped! Xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not allowed to Google my symptoms anymore either! I then become the biggest hypochondriac in the world! Having spent some time in biotech really doesn’t help. With my mom working for a pharma company, I’ll have to remember not to mention it to her too. I can imagine the things I’ll hear then, and none of them are good.

        Next week we start the talk about meds, so we’ll see how it goes!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Ya – I read “Madeline” when I was in 2nd grade (in book little girl has appendicitis) and that night I went to the ER because I convinced myself I had one too! Lol the doctor was like “un- nothing is wrong w her!” Lol

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m glad I’m not the only one that has crazy ideas! I forget what book I read, but there was something in it about a brain tumor. I was completely certain that all the sounds I heard that no one else did, the things I caught out of the corner of my eye, all of that was caused by a brain tumor…I still haven’t found a doctor that will test that theory, but by the symptoms, it’s all but completely unlikely.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Omg…you sound amazing and the song is beautiful, and for a moment it made me feel like it’s ok to have bipolar, maybe even better than okay. Thanks….you rock😊

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This is so incredible! It’s inspiring to see how you’ve taken obstacles and turned them into such positivity. Thank you for being you and sharing your light! I sure know what it’s like to be lost in the ocean….

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I love the ocean, but when I am highly stressed I have recurring ocean dreams…. Tidal wave dreams. Either I cannot get out or I am in the midst of the final scene of The Perfect Storm. My absolute favorite thing in the world turns on me. It is totally a metaphor for what is in my head!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I know something of that ocean you speak of.

    It’s vast, and sometimes it seems as if I am the only person swimming in it. Others I encounter there are in a variety of watercraft. Some don’t understand why I prefer to be in the water, but most don’t see that it’s fundamentally different to be a swimmer than a boater.

    btw — you are treading water beautifully and poignantly. Please do keep at it.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I’ve read some of your blogs since you start following me and they are so touching and your musical is going to be great I’m sure. The song is just beautiful. Keep up the great work that you’re doing. Blessings to you. I’m sure you are helping more people than you realize.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Hi, Rachie! You’re marvellous! In many ways.

    I really like what you write on your blog. Not only your thoughts. But also your music.

    Do you want to know a secret?

    If so, then I’ll tell you this:

    I believe that if you had been a bit older, the following song (see beloew) might have been written and performed to honor you. Just you.

    Listen here, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrJSKvX0AcI

    With lyrics reminding of you, of your empathy, of your loving and lovable heart.

    For example these words/sentences:

    You’re the meaning in my life. [And also for many other people all around the world, on the web and IRL]

    You’re the inspiration. [Yes you are! For all of us who know you and follow your wonderful blog.]

    You bring feeling to my life. [And not only to my life.]

    You’re the inspiration. [Indeed you are, Rachie.]

    Want to have you near me. [Yes, who wouldn’t? But unfortunately I live in Sweden, in northern Europe.]

    I want to have you hear me saying “No one needs you more than I need you”. [So please, Rachie, don’t underestimate your own “healing power”.]

    All the lyrics can be found here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/chicago/youretheinspiration.html

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I absolutely loved this post. I am currently amidst the ocean and am doing my best to stay on board the life raft. On the way to finding what medications work for me…etc and I am experiencing numerous emotions you mentioned going through here. Thanks so much for the encouraging words. New follower here!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are an awesome writer! Enjoying your blog. It was really hard trying different medications and figuring out the one that works for me. I remember it feeling like a nightmare. I do recommend once you find what works, not going off 😁 and on and off and on. I made that mistake! I was trying all kinds of alternative methods. I did find what was the medicine that’s right for me and it feels like it was made for me to feel like myself 🌷 I’m still so creative (more able to do my creative work because I’m happy) and just… Normal! I know some people feel numb but I’m still super sensitive. I like a low dose and combining it with working really hard on not believing anxious thoughts and indulging them. “The work” by Byron Katie helped me so much as well! And “feeling good” by David barns! Sending you love and light! Know the right medication or combo is on its way and will come in time! 🌸🌸🌸

      Liked by 1 person

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